I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
