I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
