Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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