I love black thongs
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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