I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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