had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
