hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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