I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
