Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
