i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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