The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
