I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
