Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Randomize
