your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
