your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
