Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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