if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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