dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
