Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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