One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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