theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
