hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
