Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
