My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
