Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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