I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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