Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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