I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
