i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
