Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
