I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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