remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
