I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
