i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
