Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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