i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
