life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
