I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
