Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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