i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
