I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
