You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
