In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
