I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need to align my fucking chakras
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
