is wine microwaveable?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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