dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
