we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
