Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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