Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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