We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
