So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
