The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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