Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
