Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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